Just Breathe
by Kitian
Summary: Selphie provides her friends with a little perspective.


Just Breathe  
  
by Kitian  
  
Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine, this is for my own enjoyment, yadda yadda...you know the drill.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The weather today is absolutely gorgeous. I honestly don't think they could have chosen a better day to do this.   
  
I can hear birds singing happily from their lofty perches in the trees, a calm breeze occasionally causing the leaves to whisper and rustle. Feathery white clouds drift easily overhead, floating across a backdrop of perfect blue sky, exactly the way they draw it in picture books. The grass grows green around me, verdant waves dotted with rich specks of gold and white poppies sprouting everywhere from the fertile ground. A pale yellow butterfly floats lazily above the rolling hills, slender wings fluttering gracefully as it alights from flower to flower, dancing and bobbing in the wind as if pulled by some unseen string.  
  
  
  
I like to believe I was made for days like this.  
  
  
  
I feel like singing and dancing and soaring, spreading my wings and flying through those clear blue skies.  
  
Some people, though, simply don't know how to appreciate good weather. Like Squall.   
  
A body of dark black leather amidst a flowing field of green and white and yellow, he stands there like a statue with his head bowed down, eyes sad and distant like always. Cool and detached, I'm not sure he can even notice the beauty that surrounds him, let alone the people that share it with him.   
  
Squall, I wish you could only see what you have; the friends who love you, care for you, want you to be happy. Maybe if you knew, would you lighten up, embrace the world around you? I like to think you can. I like to think you will, one day, when you're ready for it. Even if its just enough to let us see you smile, and I mean really smile, just once. I'd love to see that.  
  
But you're always hiding behind something; your furrowed brow, indifferent shrug, silent frown. So cold. You'll never be able to live if you keep closing yourself off like that, you know. I know it hurts. I know you feel lost sometimes, like you're all alone in the world. You don't really know who you are or where you stand; the whole world is a dark, confusing, jumbled place to you, where every blurred face is a reminder of an old scar, a time when you were hurt and bleeding and the scars still pain you to this day. So you push us away. Getting hurt once is more than enough, right? I understand.   
  
But Squall, who doesn't feel that way sometimes? We all feel lost, we all feel alone, we all get confused. In the end, though, we're never really that alone. People are here for you; you just need to open your eyes and see it. They can't hurt you anymore than you've been hurting yourself; can't you see that you're the one keeping the scars open, letting them bleed? You'll never heal like this. I just want you to be happy, that's all. You don't want to get hurt, I know. But sometimes you have to take a chance, stop trying to hide behind walls, and just let the world in. It's hard, it's scary, but it's the only chance you have to truly let those wounds heal.  
  
  
  
~Today we don't know  
  
Who we are  
  
Ashamed, hiding behind the scars~  
  
  
  
Maybe one day you'll take that chance, Squall. For your sake, I hope you do.  
  
Rinoa, will you be the one to help him take that plunge? You stand there, two white hands clutching the gleaming necklace that hangs from your neck, black hair blowing in the breeze as you tremble like the delicate creature you are. But then again, you're not really that fragile, are you? Appearances are always deceiving.   
  
Behind big, brown doe eyes and a comely face that speaks only of childish innocence, there's a will of steel that not even the darkest of days can mar. Armed with an indomitable spirit and a resolute optimism that even I admire, you've always been a source of strength. Not the physical kind, but the sort that radiates in waves to all those around you, even in the heat of battle, and somehow helps us to go on. I know you only want the best for everyone, Squall especially. I adore that about you.  
  
But you have to understand, you can only push so hard. You're used to getting what you want if you try hard enough; it's just your way. Sometimes, though, things simply don't work like that. You want to see Squall happy, I know. To be the one to open him up, allow light into his life, comfort him in your arms when he needs you. I see that every time you look at him.   
  
But you can't change people through sheer willpower, Rinoa. Some things aren't up to you. I know you love him, I know it pains you to watch him drift farther and farther away, to coldly shoulder off you and everyone else in that quiet Squall-manner. You hate seeing him shut himself away from the world, away from you. But you can't break his shell by pushing too hard. You'll only end up making it worse, for the both of you. If I've learned anything about Squall, it's that if you pull him too close, too fast, he'll shatter. Let him breathe, take it slow, but mostly, don't expect too much from him.   
  
I have faith he'll come around, but that doesn't mean he'll do it in exactly the way you want him to. Let him work through his feelings by himself, and don't be too demanding. For once, it's not about you; this time, it's about him. He's not perfect you know, and you can't wake up every morning expecting him to be a changed person. He is the way he is. Even if he doesn't turn out to be the person you're trying to mold him into, doesn't mean he won't be okay. Some love just isn't meant to be. Simply be there for him, let him know you care, and let things run their course. You never know where you'll end up if you don't force it; life is like a river, allow it to flow and it can take you to places you never expected, sometimes to the most unexpected and extraordinary of places.  
  
  
  
~Too many times  
  
We let the things we feel  
  
Get in the way of letting us  
  
Heal the wounds  
  
That open in the dark~  
  
  
  
I love that feeling. Just letting life take you where it will; it's an incredible high, one that I wish I could share with everyone. That's always been my philosophy. When I look around me and I see people get down, I wonder at how they can possibly be so sad. Don't they know they just have to let go? Sometimes I feel like crying too, but those times pass, and they always turn into brighter days. Life is never as hard as you think it is, and there's always something better around the corner, promising to come your way. Don't let the worries of now get you down. We were meant to be happy, we were meant to live.   
  
  
  
~Did you ever feel  
  
Sunlight on your face?  
  
Did you ever taste clouds?  
  
Did you ever touch space?~  
  
  
  
Just be free; don't cling to fear, don't hold anything back. Throw your head back when you laugh; let it ring out from the bottom of your lungs until you can feel it in your toes, loud and clear and broad as the shimmering waters of the ocean. Close your eyes and dance blindly in the fields, let the warmth of the sun envelop you; it can be your guide, and I promise you won't fall. Feel the sunlight, let it caress you, set you free. Can you feel that heat, that light? It feels good. I know it feels good. Can you learn to let go, just enough so that you can see what it really means to be alive?  
  
  
  
~Did you ever feel  
  
Sunlight on your face?  
  
Did you ever truly live?~  
  
  
  
Not everything has to happen now. All things work out in the end; you just have to have faith that it will, and that the resolution will be something you can agree with.   
  
You were never one for patience, though, were you? Always brimming with vivacity, never able to hold still for a second. Even now, I can feel you pulsing with emotion, fists clenched at your side, radiating feelings that you don't have the eloquence to put into words but sense with just as much fervor as the most instrumental of poets.   
  
Zell, you've always had a way of touching me with your power, your passion. Not the most elegant of fighters, not by far, but that only makes you infinitely more endearing to me. The impatience, the childish eagerness with which you approach the world, announcing your presence with a booming voice and fists of lightning; it gets me everytime. You'll always be one of my favorites, you know that?   
  
But have patience for those around you. Not all of us have your exuberance, your enthusiasm for life. It's hard to keep up with your kind of energy, and sometimes you rush things a little too much. You remind me of Rinoa in that way; always pushing so hard to get somewhere, zooming through life and never really taking the time to notice what's important. I love your excitement, your fire, your zest, your spunk. Just don't forget to slow down every once in a while, don't let your emotions get in the way of reason.   
  
Take life moment by moment. Don't get so carried away that you forget what's really important, and try not to always let your emotions get the best of you. I mean, I know you hate it when people make fun of your hair and call you silly names, but they'll only bug you as much as you let them, right? Let it slide. Over and over again I see you get so worked up when things don't go your way, immediately responding in a flurry of fists and kicks, always so eager to fight back. It kills me inside to see you so upset, and I hate that you take it out on yourself and others. I just want you to be happy. Don't let them get to you; it's not worth your time troubling over what others think as long as you know you're strong inside. I know you're strong inside. Have faith in your own abilities, no matter what anyone else says. Okay?  
  
Most of all, though, I hope you never, ever lose that childish wonder. That openness you have, it borders on being naive, but it's so heartfelt and kind and genuine and sincere that it has to be more. You're wonderful inside, Zell, a true gem; tell yourself that everyday and keep doing what you're doing.   
  
  
  
~So walk, in time  
  
To life's refrain  
  
Relax, don't do it  
  
To yourself again~  
  
  
  
Zell, the image of unbridled tumult, standing next to the picture of perfect restraint. The energetic lightning bolt and the always calm, always beautiful mentor. Just seeing you two standing near each other is enough to make me laugh at the contrast.  
  
Quistis, I've always admired your strength, your composure, your sophistication. Logical, motherly, and the eternal instructor, you never seem to make a wrong decision or falter in your step, radiating finesse with every graceful movement, knowing smile, poignant remark. I was always a little jealous of the way you carried yourself; all you needed to do was walk into the room and every head turned, waiting to see what you had to say. I've even heard some call you perfect; a goddess; a vision sent from heaven. What flattery, huh?   
  
But....you don't agree though, do you? Like Squall, you're hiding something, deep inside. Sometimes I see it when you don't think anyone is looking; that moment of sadness, that break in the dam. Your perfect composure; when it cracks it breaks my heart with it.   
  
  
  
You're lonely, aren't you?   
  
  
  
I can tell. Maybe you try to hide your feelings, or maybe other people just don't notice them. Either way, I know they're there, and I know that underneath all that excellence, that flawless posture, that bookish intellect, there lies a little girl: insecure, cowering, afraid that no one will ever see her, love her, embrace her in the raw. And that's okay.   
  
But you shouldn't resign yourself to that, either. Do you honestly think that no one will ever see past the idol, that no one will ever truly love you? I know you don't want to be lonely forever; no one does. Love is happiness, and I want you to be happy, Quistis. Just because one man didn't love you back doesn't mean that there isn't another one out there, somewhere, who's ready to strip away all those layers and love you for who you really are. He's waiting for you, I know it. Don't give up on him just yet, okay? And don't give up on yourself, either.  
  
You have so much to offer. Inside you may not agree with everyone else; you think it's all pretend, questioning the real value of your character when all the titles are stripped away. Don't you ever, ever question yourself, you hear? You're worth the world's weight in men; don't let rejection or resignation get you down. You're dying to give your love to someone, I can see it in your eyes, but you're already afraid that you'll have no one to give it to. Don't be so afraid; you have so much time, so many possibilities ahead of you, you can't possibly give in to defeat when you haven't even started!   
  
You may not think I understand, but Quistis, I do. I wish I could hug you and tell you everything I love about you, the real you, the lost girl that trembles behind icy blue eyes and thick textbooks. Even more than that, I want to tell you about how there's someone else out there who can love you for more than just your image, that you won't always have to be alone. But you have to figure that out by yourself.  
  
You'll find someone, someday. Someone who will really sweep you off your feet and bring out the little girl in you. Just wait for it.  
  
  
  
~Decaying yourself with  
  
All the love you won't give  
  
Killing yourself about the way  
  
You don't live now~  
  
  
  
Love life. Love yourself. It's the only way. Don't you agree?  
  
  
  
~'Cause you're not  
  
Gonna live forever~   
  
  
  
My friends, all here, gathered in one place. It's so wonderful I feel like crying...   
  
The weather is absolutely gorgeous. Bees make the air thick with their sweet humming, the sun is butter yellow warm and the world feels green and alive. So many friendly faces, each one stirring up old, cherished memories that tingle in the back of my mind and making my heart want to burst with all the warmth and joy and rapture I feel.  
  
So many faces....one cold, with grey eyes, but the grey is slowly fading and I know they'll be beautiful once the storm has passed....one smooth, with wide doe eyes, delicate like a pale flower but stronger than the most resilient oak.....one buoyant, with a sprawling tattoo, rakish smile, and more charisma than any human being has a right to own....one tranquil, pouty portrait of perfection that doesn't reveal the true wonder beneath the serenity.  
  
But there's one more....one more face amongst the sea of gold and green and yellow.....  
  
...a face I could never forget even if the stars were to crumble where they hover in the sky and time turned to stone.....  
  
...warm face, full of memory, compassion, everything I want, everything I need.....  
  
  
  
Irvine.  
  
  
  
~Did you ever feel  
  
Sunlight on your face?  
  
Did you ever taste clouds?  
  
Did you ever touch space?~  
  
  
  
I love you.   
  
  
  
It's that simple. I love you. I'll say it again and again and again, until the words can no longer stay afloat on my lips and even then I'll still radiate with love for you because the feeling is there and it's strong and I'll never be rid of it. I love you.   
  
I love the way you hold my hand when we're alone. I love the dimple in your left cheek when you smile. I love the way my name sounds when you whisper to me in the dark. I love the specks of green in your eyes. I love that you always treat me like a true lady. I love the off-angle at which you always wear your hat. I love your hat. I love watching you breathe as you sleep. I love the way your hair looks when it's down in the moonlight. I love how you're always trying to protect me, even when I don't need it. I love how you try to sing. I love the way your body feels, warm and molded against mine. I love the way you playfully tickle my ribs, and how you won't admit you're even more ticklish than I am. I love the taste of your kiss. I love your sleepy grumbling in the morning. I love the way you eat your breakfast. I love how you always know the right thing to say, even if it's nothing at all. I love how you'll laugh at all my jokes, funny or not. I love how your arms feel around me on a rainy day. I love that you love me back just as much. I love that you're here, you're now, you're you.  
  
  
  
I wish I could have told you I loved you more often.   
  
  
  
~Did you ever feel  
  
Sunlight on your face?  
  
Did you ever truly live?~  
  
  
  
The wind blows a little more coldly, a little more harshly. Your hair is loose today, not pulled back in its normal ponytail, and it flies around freely in the breeze. I always told you I wished you wore your hair down more in public.  
  
Slowly you walk over to me, your feet soundless on the soft grass, your face as grave and solemn as I've ever seen it. Sad.  
  
Please don't be sad.  
  
You carry a small bundle of flowers in your hand, gripping the stems so tightly that your knuckles have turned white. Kneeling in front of me, you smile wistfully, tears streaming down your beautiful sculpted cheeks like little slivers of pain, glimmering as they flow in rivulets down your face and onto the cold, gray cement underneath.  
  
  
  
My gravestone.  
  
  
  
~Did you ever just breathe?~  
  
  
  
Wordlessly you place the freshly cut flowers at the base of the small marble tablet, leaning forward and placing your forehead against its cool surface. The others try not to watch; this is too private, too painful, too personal. They shift uncomfortably and cast each other sidelong glances, none of them able to express in words what they feel.  
  
The tears come so freely. You need this. Let it all out. It's okay. I know you need this; the tears that came in waves are purging you; they may feel painful now, like they're tearing at your very being, burning hot and salty from the inside out, but the hurt will go away. I promise. Just don't forget to let go of the pain.  
  
You never lost me, Irvine.   
  
Can't you see I'm still here? Still loving you....  
  
Even now.  
  
You lift your head from the gravestone, grazing your fingertips carefully across small black letters engraved in the smooth glassy marble. You whisper my name.  
  
Don't let this get you down. Please. Be happy, for me. I'll always be here; for you, for Squall, for Rinoa, for Zell, for Quistis. You're my family. I want you to carry on. I want to be a lesson for all of you, to treasure each other and the precious little time you have left on this crazy world. I want you to cherish every moment, make the most of it, let it resound in your soul, drink it in and let it fill you the way it has me. Life is short, too short, and we take it for granted. Please let me show you not to.  
  
  
  
All of you will heal. I have faith you will. Take your time, do it right.  
  
  
  
Find meaning in everything you do; enjoy everyone around you, love without fear or restrictions. Don't throw life away on regret or false hopes or insecurity or fear. You can't be afraid of what you can't control; you only have to let it take you where it will and go from there. We only have so much time, so spend it on each other. Don't worry about the past or the future, the why or the how. Just live in the now. Just breathe.  
  
  
  
~Did you ever just breathe?~  
  
  
  
Don't worry about me, I have no regrets; I'll always have these sunshine days with their rolling hills and lazy yellow butterflies. I'm happy; I always have been and always will be, thanks to all of you. Just don't ever forget me, and don't forget how much I want you all to find meaning, to truly live. Let me always remind you that every moment of life is precious. That's all I ask.  
  
  
  
~Did you ever feel  
  
Sunlight on your face?  
  
Did you ever breathe hope?  
  
Did you ever  
  
Dance with grace?~  
  
  
  
The weather today really is gorgeous. And I honestly don't think they could have chosen a better day to do this.   
  
You all knew how much I loved days like this, filled with sunshine and laughter and fluffy white clouds, didn't you?   
  
Thank you so much for everything you've ever given me.   
  
Thank you.   
  
And don't forget to breathe.  
  
  
  
~Did you ever feel  
  
Sunlight on your face?  
  
Did you ever truly live?~  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Author's Notes: This was very much a spur of the moment thing. I pretty much wrote the entire fic in one sitting; I was caught in this airy mood that I couldn't get rid of and I just kept typing and typing without knowing what was really coming out. It's probably pretty obvious that I didn't take much time in planning this out; I'll most likely have to go back and do some major polishing...but I just thought I'd let you guys see it in the raw first, let me know what you think. Now that I look back on it, "Just Breathe" is more of a ramble about what I think of the different characters than it is an actual story; no plot here really, other than Selphie has died and she's reflecting on the people she loves and how she wants them to live more fully. The song is "Sunlight" by Natalie Imbruglia. Any reviews/comments/criticism on this little impromptu thingie are greatly appreciated...::nudge nudge:: Go for it! ^_^ 


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